Attack of the Giant Tumbleweeds!

Our trip home yesterday was like driving through different levels of a video game. Except that we were in our car in the middle of nowhere instead of being comfortable on our couch with a joystick. It started out just fine from Chandler, AZ through the desolate Sonoran desert -- aside from the exciting 4-5 dead cow carcasses on the side of the road (level 1 - don't hit cows) along the way. However, past Yuma the winds started to pick up and there was a little sandstorm going through the dunes section of Hwy 8 (which runs right next to the Mexican border) just past The Center of the World. We made it through that (level 2) and headed up the scenic Sierra mountain pass on our way to Escondido only to hit rain (level 3) then hail (level 4) then fog (level 5). That was my toughest level as foggy driving conditions with no visibility on a giant mountain pass with no guard rails is um, well, I tried to avoid thinking about it.

The bonus prize for level completion was a stop for lunch at the Stone Brewery in Escondido, CA. Wow. It was much fancier than your usual warehouse microbrewery and involved elaborate stone architecture, a beautiful outdoor patio and glass walls on one side of the restaurant that rolled up like garage doors. I felt underdressed. I still regret not taking a picture in the bathroom, which had a design of small pebbles and barley (!) stuck on the walls. They were celebrating their tenth anniversary and were offering pours of every single one of their beers. This was appropriately titled the Stone Winter Storm. The Chef had the Double Dry-Hopped Stone Levitation Ale w/ Amarillo & Crystal hops (I'm not making this up) and I sadly had to pass on the brew because it's hard to drink beer at lunch and then drive for seven more hours. Plus, if I drink beer before 5pm I get very cranky and then fall asleep. Thus, it wasn't much of a hardship to watch The Chef drink while I ate my fancy Southern California lunch (duck tacos!). Note that there were lots of guys in there who looked like they were extras in the smarmy L.A. HBO mini-series that I never watch called "Entourage."

By the time we left I realized we were going to hit L.A. rush hour and I became very cranky despite not drinking any beer. That's not a good trade off. Traffic was horrible (level 6) but it still wasn't as bad as the last time we drove through L.A. which was even worse. I don't know how people live in that city but insane traffic is just one reason. When we entered the incline to Tejon Pass it started to rain, and then even better, sleet! (level 7) We got higher and higher and temps dove to freezing and then cars were scattered on the side of the road. We grimaced and wondered if we should pull over, but there really wasn't anywhere TO pull over, so there we were, with the Chef white knuckled on the steering wheel and the wiper blades not working so well. I put on some more Marisa Monte samba music for the Chef because that helped me when I was back in level 5. We went up to 4000 feet and then started down again, the temps rising and turning the slush back to rain. (the next morning we read in the paper that they closed this section of Hwy 5, probably right after we made it through.) So, it's true -- it snows in Southern California.

Wait - I forgot to mention the high winds (level 8) -- which made things very loud, like a monster boxing our ears, so we had to blast the music to attempt to ignore, which didn't work.

We were very happy to be left with just the rain & the high winds when we got to Bakersfield, so we decided not to stop for the night but be insane and barrel through to San Francisco so we could sleep in our own warm bed with furry kittens. Yet, further along on Hwy 5 there was a big warning sign that said "High Winds Causing Dust to Blow" or something like that. Dust? Who cares about dust? Also, it had just stopped raining, so could there be dust? Pah! we said to the flashing sign. Soon, we realized that "dust" was code for GIANT TUMBLEWEEDS blowing across the highway (level 9). First we were all "HA HA HA, tumbleweeds!" as usually that word summons memories of cartoon westerns and easy-going "tumbling tumbleweeds" songs. I mean, c'mon, tumbleweeds, you never think of them as being scary. That was until we realized that there were LOTS OF THEM and some were as BIG AS OUR CAR! We stopped laughing. At first I attempted to avoid them as they flew across the road (which was exactly like a video game) but then I decided (as this technique was getting impossible and seemed very unsafe) I would test hitting some of the smaller ones to see if anything bad would happen. They sure thwapped the car, and a big one got stuck on the front of our car for a while (which was only funny because eventually it blew off) but they didn't cause any damage and we missed that HUGE ONE which was certainly a blessing. The giant semis on the road with us certainly didn't have to worry about them. When we stopped for gas the Chef removed some Tumbleweed detris from the grill of our car and commented "Ouch, tumbleweeds are prickly."

Note, even at 9pm in the roadside town of Kettleman City -- the In & Out Burger parking lot is jam packed and you still have to fight for a table (level 10) and wait ten minutes for your order. Overheard at the table next to ours, "You know, I just don't do so well when I can't see the road."

High winds followed us all the way home (level 11) but by the time we reached the Bay Bridge The Chef just scoffed at the flashing "High Wind Alert" warning sign. He said "You call these high winds?" However we still had one more level (12) -- when we reached the other side of the bridge, construction had closed the hwy and dumped us off into downtown San Francisco with no detour signs. Luckily, we live here and know our way. I felt bad for the people going to San Jose who got stuck driving around lost at 2am.

The kittens yelled at us when we got home because we took so long. After some patting and fresh water they forgave us (kind of) and we all went to bed very thankful that we were able to complete all levels of "X-MAS ROAD TRIP" (rated MA) with people and car intact and not stuck stranded on the side of road in sand/snow/rain/sleet/wind.

whew. it's nice to be back home.